The end...

Its the end of the year, and the end of a season. im moving schools and at first i was really sad to be leaving, but i realized life is a bitter sweet symphony. so i got over it and now im really excited. i packed away grade 9 and am ready to start a new year and neew season. to all my Knight friends, i love you and wouldnt be the same person i am today without you. to all my teachers (especially Mrs Simpson and Mr Fell), your input in my life has been so important. thank you for teaching me and tolerating me, it is much appreciated. i hope to see you soon.

Lucky

I visited a home for metally disabled and handicapped people today and as you can imagine it was a pretty draining experience but an experience none the less. It made me realise how lucky i am. Yes I have issues, complexes and inferiorities, but I can walk, talk, learn and live a "normal" life. This probably sounds very cliche but it shouldn't, there is nothing cliche about being abused until you cant function, or being abandoned because there is something wrong with you.

The truth is there is something wrong with us all, so how can we justify ostracising these people - and that's what they are, people - when all they want is to be accepted, loved and cared for? We all what these things, don't we? We probably want a bit more like money, designer brands and so on, but does that stuff really matter at the end of the day? No not really.
That's what we miss, it doesn't matter. We live, we die, we get hurt and we move on, but most importantly we love. Do think people who have problems that are a bit more pronounced than ours can say that? Will you deny them that chance?

Thank You

how bout getting off these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout grieving it all one at a time

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down

how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping

thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence

Alanis Morissette

Everything is not as it seems...

i have a best friend, we have been friends for over 6 years now; we have been through a lot, good bad and ugly but we have always stuck together. Bear that in mind.

this weekend was my best friends birthday party, and the build up was awesome. she told me that there was this guy that she thought would be my soul mate. okay, great. i met the guy, he was quiet cool. during the course of the evening we were talking and it came out that she kissed him, wow, i felt like a ton of bricks had just fallen on me. i felt betrayed and used, heck i still feel that way. Why the f did she try and set me up with some guy she had already bagged? i was the bigger person and walked away. but I'm still really hurt. it may seem petty, but to me, you don't do that!

words like selfish , backstabber, dishonest and bitch come to mind.

i had a choice to forgive her and move on, or hold a grudge. of course i forgave her, but i still feel hurt and abused. Everything was not as it seemed. i had to learn a life lesson.

Life lessons suck, they hurt like a dog and you never good about it until, like, five years later!!I wonder how many more of these joyous moments i will have to go through....

Fear

tonight was my awards evening. i did pretty well, came second in my grade and walked away with 6 awards. yeah i did okay but I'm afraid. I'm afraid that next year it will be different, that i wont be accepted, i wont stand out, i wont be recognised. and as soon as these thoughts creep into my clever little mind, the what ifs arrive. what if i don't become a leader, what if I'm not liked? and the list goes on. i haven't had my "the what ifs don't matter" moment yet but I'm getting there. the more i think about moving, the less i cry. I'm getting there; but until then I'm waiting for the tears to dry and the penny to drop...

Money Blues

This time of year is very stressful. exams are but a week away, I'm moving schools (which means more money) and its Christmas. these ends months are suppose to be a joyous occasion with laughter and happiness, but i cant help but feel like a burden. i know this sounds very pessimistic but its the way i feel and i need to deal with these emotions, how I'm going to do that is the hard part. i could always stop asking for stuff but that wont solve anything, i cant work (age bites) and I'm to stressed to do anything else. so what now? well i think I'm going to contribute more around the house, save more money and stop being so "selective" (others call this fussy) about food and the like. i hope this works....